Confessions of an Idllyic Mind

Well updating finally when there is no one else around to listen to me. I have to turn back to the one place i can focus my thoughts on. So whats new? Nothing much really. Work is work. Atleast now i dont dread it and i can be myself. I can be honest to myself and just throw in all i have into my work. Its sad that i seek solstice in my work rather than other things that are more important in my life. I cannot explain the peace and calm that i get when i get in at work at 7.30 am. And the whirling of the computer actually sounds real good when nobody else is there to listen to you. I closed one chapter in my life today that i will never never open again. Let me rephrase that. Its more like someone else closed the chapter for me without any telltale signs of closure. I dont know what it is with emotions and how it affects every facet of what you're doing. How tired you feel even when you didnt do anything at all. How hungry you are but your esophagus just wont allow food to pass through. Its like someone places a game of cricket on my heart. Bruised and whacked around so many times i dont think it looks like a heart now. More like a bashed up piece of meat, tenderized and ready for the oven. Except that no one would appreciate the seasoning and bashing it took when its served to dine. Its funny when i have a dictionary full of advice for people i love and care about but when its time to take care of me i'm lost for words. Its also funny that i have bucket load of tears to shed but i dont have the guts to open up for counseling. What is my problem? I cant help but to be stepped all over. Its sickening when you put in all you can to make something work but it just falls apart like a sunken ship.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you


Now i know why most people choose to end their life on Christmas day. One day so significant but no one to pass the day with. How very sad

1. Empress Bitch (Me)
2. Americano Bitch (Rhubs)
3. Fancy Bitch (Eugenie)
4. Calamari Bitch (Geral)
5. Amne Bitch (Hui Li)
6. Kontang No More (KNM) Bitch (Vthya)
7. Whatever Bitch (Mae)
8. Baby Bitch (Heng Wai)

Activites:

• Pigging out
• Butt shaking
• Groping
• Rough housing
• Slutty posing
• Cam whoring
• Vodka guzzling

There you go folks. The recipe to a blastingly good weekend fun. Wouldnt recommend anyone to stay in Glory Beach Resort though. Was more like staying in a low cost flat. The surroundings are much worse than Bayu Beach but the inside of our 3 room apartment was alright. Clean atleast. Fancy Bitch turned our regular living room into a club. Fully equipped with speakers n woofers. Our bartender Whatever Bitch turned our coffee table into a throne for the Grey Goose Vodka. We had an awesome slumber party. Had some light snacks (loads of junk food), refreshing drinks (vodka and an array of mixers), wholesome music (involves Timbaland, Nelly Furtado, salsa, etc ...), cute jammies (more like slutty) and some groupie shots (in bed and scantily clad). Wasnt it fun girls?? Oh hell yeah...

I cannot imagine if we spent 3 nights there. I dont think i would have any brain cells left.

Well here are some shots. Still awaiting more pics from Eugenie. Cant wait!!

Breakfast at Raju's before departing

Bitches in Bitch Mobile 1

Welcome to Port Dickson

All important feet shot

The gorgeous Chicadees

All in bed now!

Pose bitches! Pose!!

There are more pics to come to stay tuned!!!

New job, new do!

I just started a new chapter in my life. Hyperly excited!!!! Therefore this excitement led to some drastic moves couple of days ago. I gave my good old chum a snip snip. No, i didn't turn Calvin into a eunuch. The good old chum i was referring to is my crowning glory, my hair. Long gone are the sexy seductive waves which flips oh so gently with the breeze ~

Thanks to my wonderful+brilliant+has fingers from God hairstylist Samantha, I have a modern new do. I didn't want it to look too bobbish, too Victoria Beckhams, so you could imagine the type of questions and instructions that Samantha has to handle. She is such a gift I tell you. By the grace of God if the both of us live up till 80, I would still go back to her for a haircut.

So brace yourself to witness the transformation of Amanda Liew.

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*drumrolls*
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After

Sorry for the unglamourous pic. Was in my PJs when i took this pic. And my cancer-ward inspired wall paint color isnt helping either. BUT nevertheless, i think Samantha did a fantabulous job in making me look ages younger, modern, chic, sophisticated ... Gaya, mutu, keunggulan .. LOL ...

You like?

The day has finally arrived. I am now officially 23. Born on the 27th of October 1984, approximately 5.45 a.m., weighing 8 pounds. This year's birthday was a far cry from the birthday i had last year. Have been celebrating 2 rounds of birthdays in a row in Perth. Kinda different to be back here celebrating it for a change.

23 started with pancakes. Loads of pancakes. Me and my ChiMui gang went to Paddingtons in The Curve for a pancake fiesta. Stayed till the clock struck midnite to offciate my b'day. Thank you girls! Hope we do that more often. Has been quite some time since we gathered like that. Went for bible study this morn at Susan's. Had a lovely surprise when Jessica came in with a black forest cake for me *yummies*. Feels great to start the birthday with a prayer of blessings from both of the girls. Feeling so extremely blessed. The celebration continues with Calvin taking me out to 1U for lunch and 2nd round of bday cake (unique one) in Bakerzin. The came home for dinner with the family.

My takes on this year's b'day:

- As i mentioned earlier, its different. VERY different. But nice. Feels good to be home and to be celebrating with people that means a lot to me. Feeling the warmth and love ...

Pictures

Cake #1 - Blackforest - Courtesy of Susan & Jessica

The birthday girl making a wish

Birthday girl and Jessica

2 models and 1 siow char boh

Siow char boh #2

B'day cake #2 - Bakerzin' Tapas - Strawberry fondue, caramel & chocolate ice-cream, creme caramelle - Courtesy of Calvin Cheong

Vain char boh

B'day cake #3 - Secret Recipe - Strawberry cheesecake - Courtesy of Calvin (again)



" Thank you Lord for giving me another year to be able to enjoy the blessings and plans you have in stored for me. I believe that You love me and You know me best. Continue to be with me constantly Lord to protect and to guide me in every circumstance. I pray for Your abundant blessings to be poured upon my life and into the lives of the people I love so dearly. May You also bless with good health so that I may live long to serve You in whatever ways I can. All this i ask in Jesus's most blessed name, AMEN!!!! "

I thought i would not have the guts to

My Heavenly Daddy was there for me

Finally gave it a shot

It happened

Thank you Lord for creating a pathway for me

I see the light now


I see the light

Current Mood: Super-duper-hyper-upset + annoyed

Writing this from the office. I can hardly suppress my loath and disgust towards the systems that goes on here at my current place of employment. I feel like I’m putting on a monkey/clown/dolphin/puppet show as a crowd pleaser act and when I go round collecting the coins, the people walk away. Everyday single day I’m calling mindless twits that labels themselves Financial Controllers, Group Financial Officers, Head of Finance bla bla bla .. but in actual fact, they just sit there in their offices, handing off all their twitty shits to the people directly below them. And yet I have to go .. “Ohh .. a very good morning to you Mr/Ms ___. How are you doing today? Busy day? As usual la hah .. How was your weekend? Had fun with the family? Where did you go? Ohh that sounds great!” And what I get is a few grunts of approval and some courtesy laugh. What the crap do you take me as? I’m every part as human as you are! Having that certification that qualifies you to earn more bucks than me doesn’t translate to you being more superior than I am! Qualification of a developing nation but behavior of a third world country inhabitant. Shame on you and the set of parents that brought you up!!!! You you, depleting brain cells, numskull, spineless, rude, no manners, uneducated, uncivilized baboon like twit!!!!!!!!!! I think I’ve just insulted the baboons by calling you a baboon.

ARGHHHHHHHHH …

Ok back to the company I work for. YOU OWE ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What else do you expect from me? I’m a fresh grad that has minimal experience but I know I’m very capable of doing far greater things than the circus/freak show that I’m performing in now. Why do you have to further squeeze me of my last remaining peanuts? The bank earns millions a year and you owe me of my 3 figures? What is the bloody logic in that? I’m down to my very last nut and yet you want to strip me bare. If I was a squirrel I will definitely die and decompose this winter cause I have no nuts in my storage hole. Instead I would have to forage the forest floors with my puny bare hands scourging for scraps dead in the middle of winter till my hands bleed or fall off from hypothermia. PATHETIC-NESS!!!!!!!!!! I spent over RM 200 at one go in a classy Japanese restaurant trying to please the stuck up people that are my clients, stuff them so full of food in hopes that they will give me favor but in return what do I get? An outgoing from my father’s bank accounts and no in coming from this stupid institution called the bank that I’m working for. And better still. The clients still acting as snooty as before towards me.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT???????

Why am i betraying my own ethics and integrity to please a bunch of slimeballs which i dont want to associate myself with anyways??????????

If they could pay me for every tear that I have shed when I started till present, I would be a millionaire by now.

A free bird leaps on the back
Of the wind and floats downstream
Till the current ends and dips his wing
In the orange suns rays
And dares to claim the sky.

But a BIRD that stalks down his narrow cage
Can seldom see through his bars of rage
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
And his tune is heard on the distant hill for
The caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
And the trade winds soft through
The sighing trees
And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright
Lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged BIRD stands on the grave of dreams
His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with
A fearful trill of things unknown
But longed for still and his
Tune is heard on the distant hill
For the caged bird sings of freedom.

Had a good start to the Hari Raya weekend last Friday. Sherry "SO CUTEEEEEEEEEE" invited half of the AmInvestments crew to her church song+drinks thinghy. Sorry didnt know what the event was called. But its was a relaxed evening, sitting on cushions, sipping tea listening to songs .. basically just chillin' (in ghetto terms). Everything was great except that it was too cold. keke. Was shivering at the end of the evening. Okay fast forward to Saturday. Daddy took me n mom shopping so I managed to squeeze one pair of Pierre Cardin proper proper but still stylish court shoes from him. Mua ha ha . . . Was on sale ok! My one pair equals to his 2 pairs. Oh well... That's the perils of having a daughter.

Fast forward again.. Its Sunday! But thank God no work tomorrow. Welt to the Pavilion just now. It is EXPENSIVE. Food? EXPENSIVE. Clothes? EXPENSIVE. But i still ate - KFC (cheapest food u'll find there). And i still shopped. Giordano Concepts (the cheaper end of the shops there). Bought myself a gorgeous black kimono wrap around top. Felt real good cause there was a good looking shop assistant giving me guidance and a HANDS ON lesson on how to tie the wrap around top. Why i need assistance? Cause i don't know how to tie la .. *Innocent eye blinking* He got his arms all over my waist *kekeke*. But actually paiseh cause my muffin top was hanging out so obvious. And I think he is gay. But overall, Pavilion was a really refreshing change to the malls we have around here. Definitely way better than The Gardens. But parking was a problem. Weekend rate is Rm 3 Per hour. But if you spend Rm 100 and above on a single receipt in any store you'll get 2 hours worth of free parking.

So that was my weekend in a nut shell. I know this is not the kinda post that I will usually post but I'm running out of topics to write about. Any ideas anyone?

Pictures galore . . .


The stage

The 3 stooges - Sherry, me and Susan

Me and Suzie (looking like she is high on something)

Sideshot of Sherry gazing lovingly at Anthony-the-boyfriend awwwww . . .

Sideshot of Andrew and his glasses



Me after we got out of the Pavilion. Young enough to get a balloon.. kekeke

Glad to report that I'm feeling much better. Physically and mentally. I guess there is a time to sit and whine and think about things like fate, destiny, regrets. And there is a time to move on. This is my time of moving on. Good on me I'm finally getting some growth hormone induced into my own head. No I'm not drunk. I have this thing/love affair/friendship with self-pity that I'm really starting to loathe myself for. "Ooo poor me .. Not living the life my other friends have." "Poor me.. Still single and living with the parents." Enough is enough! Its time i said Shut Up to my own self. Shut up and Grow up! says Amanda Liew to Amanda Liew. Alright thats enough of a mental check for myself.

Ok .. What else.. Oh yeah .. Went to The Gardens on Saturday nite. I thought the place was rather poorly done up. The floors were dirty and not properly cemented. You can see the tiles are not matched. Its more like a 'hurry up and open before Raya' shopping center. Other than that the shops were pretty nice. Some unfamiliar brands which is a good thing if you ask me. I always think that our Malaysian malls are too generic. Its like like hmm a Tiramisu cake. You will definitely have to have stuff like cheese, espresso, cocoa in it. Likewise our Malaysian malls will definitely have stores like Vincci, Padini, Giordano in it. B O R I N G ! So The Gardens = Something different. I went berserk in Robbinsons. But then be cautioned. To all peanut earners out there (me) this is not the place for you (& me). I repeat. This is NOT the place for you. GO in look see look see enough. Tried on a top which I'm gonna collect a donation for later on. It was gorjas! Gorjas! But costs hell of a lot for the little amount of material used to make it. Sighs .......

Dont know why I suddenly felt like writing about the poor little girl Nurin that was brutally murdered not long ago. Cant help but to feel sad that she will nvr be able to grow up to enjoy the girlie pleasures of having a frappucino with her girl friends or going to a prom night. Whats even sadder is people are becoming sicker and sicker each day. Who in the right mind would stuff vegetables into a little girl? I just dont get it. She is just a little girl for crying out loud. For me 2 parties ought to be shot in this case. The killer (DUH) and the parents. Just got me so pissed as I was reading the papers. What kind of a parent are you to let your kid walk to a pasar malam unattended and unsupervised. "but u dont understand. we nvr knew this would happen. the pasar malam was only a short distance away." Look here. To me there are only 2 ways a child's death could not have been prevented. 1) Inborn illnesses/deformity. 2) Natural disasters (earthquakes/fires/flood). Other than that the parents or family members should take full responsibility of whatever that happens to that child. She wants to go to the psr malam? Then go with her. You need to cook because the other kids will starve? Bring them along and get them a goreng pisang while you're there. I'm sure they can withstand if the psr malam is that near your hse. You are tired/busy/paralysed and she really insists on going out? Break her legs or lock her up. Hearing her cry and throw a tantrum is much better than standing in the cold morgue looking down at the remains of your daughter which you have nurtured and cared for since she came out of your womb. Worst still .. She died in such a way. How can you ever forgive yourself? Dont say irresponsible things such as "takdir Tuhan". What a bull crap thing to say. So you took her for granted and you say takdir Tuhan??? Shame on you.

Whatever I just said was from a single, not a mother yet point of view. This i believe teaches us a lesson to never ever take what God has given you for granted ever. But those are just purely my thoughts. Whoever that disagrees with whatever I just said should just stop reading my blog and get their own one. Fair enough? Its my blog so I get to rave ok? MUA HA HA HA


Alrighty.. Feeling sleepy now.


Peace out

Somebody just point a fully loaded shot gun to my head now and fire away please.

Been having the blues since last week. Thank you to my new best friend, Influenza. Sounds exotic isnt it? She is apparently of spanish heritage. She's been here since Wednesday and has refused to leave. Life with her includes shivers, sudden hot to cold cold to hot bodily temperature changes, pesky phlegm filled cough spasms, clogged nose + ears, sweaty palms etc . . . Been staying home like a goody goody girl this weekend.


Began having little little panic attacks on Sat all the way till now. I dont know what I'm so afraid of. I wake up at 4.30 in the morning just sitting there thinking about what the future holds for me. Why am I leading such an ordinary life? Why am i not as smart as i know i am? Am i made for more? Am I suppose to step out of the zone that I'm currently in? Is it time to get a move on?

All I know is there is suppose to be more to life than this. Here i am sitting in front of the computer on a Sunday nite, leafing through the Internet for people to call. My dad is snickering at me for looking up meaningless companies for their telephone numbers. My more glamorous friends are most probably sipping on some chardonay, soft sounds of classical music playing on the background, wearing their Sunday's finest. . . Here I am in my PJs, my face all oily from perspiration, with a stuffed nose.


I know self pity is for losers but i just cant help sinking into this feeling now.


Current mood: Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad x 10000000000000000000

Feeling high on cough medication. Waited for 3 hours to see the doctor today. He is still as wiry and thin as i remembered him to be. Been going to the same doctor since I'm a wee little babe. He is so meticulous and careful about everything. Go to him because of a cough and he examines you like as if you have bronchitis or TB. Go to him for a headache and he will assume and perform multiple tests on you as if you have a malignant tumor. So i ended up with cough syrup with the dosage of a 7 yr old (because he found out that I'm slightly allergic to couch medicine) and i'm still feeling very light headed after just one teaspoon. Maybe i should pour in a little of the cough syrup into my martini as a little pick me up after work. Hmmm .. Yes work IS that bad that i need cough syrup to knock me out. Ka-ka-ka .. .. *sad*

So yeah that's my drama for the week. Feeling icky with the sickies now.


Ickies with the sickies icky icky icky poooooooo . . . . What on earth is in that cough syrup man .. Whoa . . . why is there a sheep in my house?? hey its Pink! *pengsan*

That's it! I have had enough of ungrateful people. Where were you when we needed help? Where were we when you needed help? We practically threw ourselves at you. A favor isn't too much to ask for considering the things we went through for you. So you think some thank yous are enough? This is not the meaning of true friendship! Bunch of superficial hypo-crates! Haven't you heard of the phrase "A friend in need in a friend in deed?" What the hell is wrong with you people??? I have had enough of being a faker to you guys! Leave me out of the shit that is going on in your lives! I have had enough! You have just made me fling tolerance out of the window! And to another even worse category of ungrateful people, go throw yourself onto rush hour traffic! I dont wanna hear about your rainbows and seemingly perfect life! Your happiness means nothing to me anymore! You have completely back slided from your own principles. You are no longer the same person i met and respected. PHOOEY on you! Aren't you aware that you are switching your own personalities for another person? You have turned into another creature all together. I would be ashamed to be associated with you. In fact I am ashamed of myself for being such a faker. Let me tell you something. You are no longer my friend. You are just an acquaintance that i use to look up to. Do me a favor. Look yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see? If you do then you have indeed changed. That image in the mirror that you see is not the same reflection that I see.

Why are some homo sapiens like that?? I dont get it??? I just dont.

They have truly failed themselves. You now what? I am even ashamed to be acquainted with them. To hell with our friendship.

It's time . I know it . But what am I clinging on to ? I know deep down inside . But what am I afraid of ?

I've got tears, making tracks

I've got tears, that are afraid of the facts . . .

Went for a movie today. Yes I do have a social life and yes, I do do fun stuff with my spare time.


The movie : Rush Hour 3


Genre : Action/Comedy

Verdict :

• Funny
• Action packed - Including some heart thumping fighting scenes on the Eiffel Tower and some wild car kung fu + chasing round the streets of Paris.
  
• Chris Tucker's performance was much better in this sequel. Rather than being the usual clown, he actually showed some kung fu moves this time round.
  
• Jackie Chan's performance was mediocre though. He does the usual stuff expected of him. Fight fight, joke joke, then fight again. *boring*
  
• Story line was not bad. Baddies meant to die did die. Damsel being rescued. Predictable but yeah atleast its not a cliffhanger.
  
• Worth every ringgit paid.
  

• STAY TILL THE ENDING CREDITS FOR THE MOVIE! Hilarious "ooops" scenes included in the credits. Funny like MAD ! ! !
  

1. She is a slut. Whats worse than a slut? A dumb slut.
   
2. He is a horny as hell, hormone induced young man, with no sense of shame, with no respect at all for his gf, has no real feelings for her, dictionary meaning for love is sex to him. He WILL leave her pretty soon. I give them 2 years at most. That would be stretching it actually. Any reason for them staying longer than that is probably cause he cant find a replacement.
   
3. They are young and stupid.
   
4. They know no consequence.
   
5. They are a couple of hypocrites. (reasons that I cannot mention here. think deeper and you would know what i'm talking about)
   
6. This is a good one - THEY ARE JUST PLAIN C>H>E>A>P.
   

Hear Yea Hear Yea ~

I have an announcement to make. I have found pure happiness. I found that happiness in an egg tart.

It was truly the best 2 minutes of my life. Forget about sex (not that i know how that feels like *innocent girl look*). This egg tart was an experience or orgasmic proportions. Who would have guessed that the three little darlings held the secrets of the universe in one plate. If the talibans/terrorists/war ppl would just stop to stare at those darlings war would just stop immediately i tell you. Just at the sight of it your heart would be filled to the overflow with love, admiration .. A strange sense of calm and peace. Oh ~~~

One bite was enough to send me to the moon and back. The texture. Oh the texture! The chef must be a glorious creation of a man to be able to create something so delicate yet impactful. The crust was soft and crunchy at the same time .. The filling .. Sorry i had to pick myself up back to the chair . . The recollection of the filling is making my knees weak. Its like no other egg tart. The deep yellow filling was of a creamy pudding like texture. Its not gelatinous like its other common counterparts. I liked my chopsticks once i was done with one of those little babies.

I dont care if the chef is balding/fat/impotent/has a large fat mole on his forehead with hair sticking out of it, as long as he is single and available and below 50, I M GONNA MARRY THE HELL OUT OF THAT MAN ! ! ! ! ! ! No momma dont stop me!!!!!!! I'm in LOVE!!!! (with his egg tarts)

Canceled my trip to Penang yesterday. Was suppose to spend Sat and Sun with my dah-Ling and some girl frens relaxing in the sun and gorging ourselves silly. Not mentioning the dvd series that i could have bought back. But sighs. Instead canceled it to go through a therapy/couselling session with me friend later and tomorrow. I have been thinking too much. I need to let go but somehow I just can't. Really pray that this would help me loosen up. I've been really really really unhappy. I don't know how to handle stress, i don't know how to handle my own thoughts even. Feeling like I'm drowning . . . Spiraling downwards in a never ending vortex of doom. There is nothing to look forward to, I'm trying to change but somehow i keep getting cornered by my problems. Life right now is really not worth going through. If this is just the tip of the iceberg to what i might face in the future then I really don't know what else is there to live for.

Today was not a pleasant day.

I was misunderstood, humiliated and laughed at today.

Why do i always get the bimbo treatment? It's not my fault that the essential growth nutrients for my brains went to my boobs instead.

Maybe I'm just too over-sensitive.

Maybe I'm not.

Maybe its the truth that will hurt me even more.

Maybe its that time of the month again.

Maybe i'm being cynical.

Maybe i have a saddistic view on life.

Maybe my life now is just full of maybe's and what if's.

Maybe i need a change.

Maybe i want to leave.

Maybe i want to stay and fight.

Maybe it's all in the mind.

Maybe . . . . .

I have been curious. Very curious indeed . . .

No its nothing naughty in nature. Recently we have all witnessed the petty yet taken too seriously news regarding the dude from Muar's defamatory video on YouTube. I went ahead and watched it on YouTube just now. And guess what? I LOVED it! He is absolutely talented. He sounded like one of the ppl from LMF, Nan Quan Mama or Machi. Well that was the musical aspect of it. As for the content of the video, i thought that he was just being truthful. Too many yrs of unfair treatment to the malaysian chinese community probably drove him create this video clip.

Dont get why everyone is making such a big fuss about the truth. Well, if you think that its untrue then why make such a big hoohah over such a small/petty matter? The message sent out by Mr Wong must been true to be able to evoke such uproar from the puak Majority here. The stuff that he said about the local policemen and the people sitting in the leaky government offices is very much true to me.

There are much more serious issues than this to be taken care of. People are dying under the hands of incapable hands of rough+slow nurses+docs in government hospitals. Why arent they putting priority into this matter? The poverty level is still apparent. Food poisoning levels in schools are still on the rise. Spousal abuse is also on the rise. What is the government doing about these issues? Stop cornering this Negarakuku guy and start zooming in on issues that are more important!

Please dont get me wrong. I do love my country. I do love the fact that i can choose between nasi lemak, roti canai or chicken rice for breakfast. However, sometimes the way we do things around here really makes me feel like migrating to Aussie.

Malaysia BOLEH ! !

*whatever~*

Well no one can exactly plan for the future. You can’t even plan the day in fact, as I learned just now. You spend lengthy hours/days/months/years arranging your dominoes, you’ve even taken the trouble to polish each and every domino before meticulously placing them in a straight row each not more than 2 inches apart. And when you think you can finally step back, breathe deeply and admire them from a distance, a steamroller rolls by and not only does your dominoes topple over, it becomes crushed to smithereens.

I remember having to fill in a ridiculous blue form when I was in high school and primary school. Had to fill in what I aspire to be when I grow up. Its funny how my answers differ each time the card is being given out. These are just some of the occupations I’ve written down; artist, nurse, lawyer, interior designer, fashion designer… etc. What am I now? Associate, Treasury Solutions – Fund Management a.k.a Sales Person. Not that there is anything to complain about. I’m being paid. I have the privileges that any employee in any company would have. But it’s just that what I’m doing now is a far cry from what I envisioned myself to be doing. The question that I really detest from interviewers is: - “Where do you see yourself in another 5 years time?” I think that this is the most clichéd question that any interviewer can ask. I have a feeling that they whipped out that question because they ran out of smart questions to ask. Hello! You tell me la what I will be doing in another 5 years time. Isn’t that the employer’s job, to help mould the employee? So I muster up some lame ass answers. “I want to be in a managing position.” I sometimes want to kill myself over this answer. What a vague thing to say. Managing what? Cow r? But thank God the interviewers never bother asking.

So, I have thought up some concrete (?) plans for my future. Things I would like to see come to pass in another maybe 5 to 10 years time.

1) Earn more than what I’m earning now. (DUH)

2) Finish paying for my little MyVi.

3) Actively looking for a place to live/In the process of getting my own pad.

4) Attached and betrothed to a tall guy that absolutely adores me for my insecurities, silly switch, for who I truly am.

5) Traveled to Dubai, Shanghai and Tokyo.

6) Be in a partnership business. Hoping to start a boutique selling urban funk shoes, accessories and apparel. (Any suggestions for a location?)

7) Be in a managing position. (Of people.)

I think that is it for now. Of course there are many more in the list but I think these are the Major ones. Laugh at it all you want but at least I have a plan. If I don’t start planning now I realize that I would be stuck in the same rut everyday for the rest of my life. Get up, get in car, get on the road, get pass the traffic, get into the office, get into the Microsoft Outlook, get appointments, get the calls going, get the deal done, get the follow-ups done, get the money rolling in, get out of office, get into car, get pass after work hour traffic, get into home, get to bed. And the whole vicious cycle starts over and over again whether I like it or not. I’m so so so so sick of this. One fine day when I have sufficient in my bank account, I vow that I would just pack it all up and leave. I don’t know where I’ll be going but I’ll just leave. Sick of living a life of mediocracies. There is so much more to life but I’m bound by contract to stay in this glass elevator. Always taking me up and down, letting me see what the world outside looks like but never ever letting me out.

So one message to all of us ants in the anthill,

Labor until you tire and then labor some more...

Tis' too fair a day for death.

A good man passed on today.
A man that never drank, smoked and womanized.
A man that was faithful to his wife for almost 4 decades.
A man of little words.
A man that hardly showed his temper.
A good man indeed.
This man is my uncle.

He succumbed to an illness that the doctors did not know of.

There were as usual food at his house today. A large gathering of loud relatives acting smart as usual. Trying to conclude what was the cause of his death and what could have been done to prevent it. There were never I's in my family. Always We's. The lost was not only to my aunt, their 4 children and 7 grandchildren, but the lost extends to every member of the family.

Strangely, I did not know how to react to his death when i got the news. Only when i saw him lying there in his coffin, so different from the man i use to call "Ah Chong". He looked frail, thin and pale. Its funny how only when he isnt with me anymore i stared at his face. The only time i ever touched him was when he was lying in the ICU and as I was praying for him. His hands were so soft.

I would never get to tell him how i liked looking at him sometimes when he is enjoying his evening cup of coffee and crackers. I would never get to tell him how soft his hands are.

I broke down thinking of how my aunt would cope staying alone in the house she and my uncle have lived in for more than 4 decades.

Death robbed me of my uncle today but made me gain an urgency to start appreciating the relatives that God has blessed me with now.

Heys . .

Taking a break from feeling depressed. If anyone bothered to notice, there is a new thinghy-ma-jigie i added to spice up my blog. Above my narcissistic picture on your left, there is a small player on top of it. Click the 'play' button to play the current song i'm hooked onto.

Hope you folks like it!

I wrote a seriously evil + nasty blog post on Fri. I think i'm too chicken shit to put it up. It contains massive amounts of profanities, which is unheard of coming from a well mannered and delicate lady such as me (you can launch your projectile vomit now). I was so angry and pissed i just typed furiously sitting alone in my little cubicle. Sometimes i really wonder if it was really worth it giving up on Aust. and moving back here. I realized that i have nothing pleasant to blog about work. In fact I cried more than i have been ever since i started work. Call me a wuss if you want to but nothing .. i tell you nothing can ever prepare me for whatever I have to go through during this period of life. Yeap not even the obscene amount of money my daddy spent sending me to uni for 3 yrs studying things that i can "apply" when i start working. I dont feel like i belong ... What is yours compared to mine? you might say. Well ... I bet what i'm facing now is a molehill/breadcrumb/tip of the iceberg/mole on an ant's back/a grain of sand if compared to what i might be facing in the future. But to me, its a big deal now. So pls dont try to reassure me by saying things like, "things will be much tougher in the future. enjoy what you have now." I dont need these kinda advice. I will physically hurl myself out of a window soon if i hear that quote again. Yes i'm admitting now that i'm not capable of handling stress very well. I'm not adequate for the dog eat dog world. Maybe that's just how I am. I'm trying my very best to change. I'm trying my very best to accommodate to everyone's needs. I tell myself every morning that I can do it! Make more calls! Follow up! Whip those CFO's butts! However after one call or two i deflate . . .

I'm seriously thinking of relocating. I'm too young for this. I should be seeing the world at this age. What am i doing here in an industry that I grew to loathe since I was in primary school?

I have totally betrayed myself . . .

My view on life . . .


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world

Urghhh .. Lousy lousy lousy ...

Woke up feeling lousy. Went to work feeling even worse. Here's a whole list of things that are not right with me:-

1. Headache that refuse to go away since Saturday night. Possible reason - Banged head Very hard against wall of Zara changing room while trying on a gorgeous summer dress.
2. Nausea.
   
3. Feverish + Light headedness.
   
4. Large ulcer/crater in mouth.
5. Diarrhea.
   

Went to this artsy/hippy-isk/funky restaurant for lunch on Friday.

Very cool wall mural. Kudos to the artist. If he could tattoo this onto my back that would be great.

Hand painted menus.




All things round. Sesame topped bun (delicious!) with the very cute round-round herb butter.

Shrimp & Avocado Salad - The leaves were quite bitter and no longer fresh. But the avocado mash was delish. Much rather have garlic bread with it.

Oxtail shepherd's pie - Taste good. But the stench of beefy-ness is quite overwhelming. Not a prob for beef lovers like me.

A must check out - The toilet doors. Notice the peephole despite all the locks? =D

Another cool feature about the loo - Funky mirror

Sorry it looked so cute i need to have another shot added. Keke ...

I dont know who i m anymore. I liken myself to a puppet. My whole life i'm doing the bidding of others. You wanna get this done just pull the string and i'm on it. Never could i imagine when i finally thought i have my life in my own control now, the same puppetting routine happens again. I dont know what the hell is expected of me anymore. Pull my strings and i'll move for you. Now im improved even. Add in batteries and leave me alone and i'll still do your bidding. I'll put on this great show that you and others have paid good time and money to see. I put on this good act everyday for the world to see. Hiding my feelings under a mask of calm and smiles. What else do you want? You want a show i stage it. You want applauses I dance harder. You want to draw in the crowds for the show, fine i'll get the crowd in. Just leave me out of your damn theater politics. I'm just another one of your puppets trying to stay in this stage play called Life. Not only do i have to please the crowds, i also have to please my fellow puppet "pals" so that they dont sabotage me, stick pins into me, torch me. I'm just me .. I'm just trying to live life the way i envisioned it to be. I just wanna stick to my principles and believes. I just wanna stick to my own ethics. Dont rob me of what i feel is right and wrong. Dont cut my strings while im performing. Just draw the curtains when you dont want to see me anymore.


Life

It showered me with its many blooming daisies . . .
It dressed me in a frock so white, so pure . . .

Life

My frock is now stained with mud and crimson blood . . .
As I tread through the valley of thorns, it tears . . .

Life

Its beauty now a thing of the past . . .
Once perfumed with the scent of daisies . . .
Now only the faint smell of blood hangs on its skirt . . .

- Amanda Liew -

So what if I'm unhappy, hurt and beat up? I have formed a heart of wood. No longer able to feel. What are tears? I don't seem to remember anymore . . . Letting the numbness take over . . .