Confessions of an Idllyic Mind

Well updating finally when there is no one else around to listen to me. I have to turn back to the one place i can focus my thoughts on. So whats new? Nothing much really. Work is work. Atleast now i dont dread it and i can be myself. I can be honest to myself and just throw in all i have into my work. Its sad that i seek solstice in my work rather than other things that are more important in my life. I cannot explain the peace and calm that i get when i get in at work at 7.30 am. And the whirling of the computer actually sounds real good when nobody else is there to listen to you. I closed one chapter in my life today that i will never never open again. Let me rephrase that. Its more like someone else closed the chapter for me without any telltale signs of closure. I dont know what it is with emotions and how it affects every facet of what you're doing. How tired you feel even when you didnt do anything at all. How hungry you are but your esophagus just wont allow food to pass through. Its like someone places a game of cricket on my heart. Bruised and whacked around so many times i dont think it looks like a heart now. More like a bashed up piece of meat, tenderized and ready for the oven. Except that no one would appreciate the seasoning and bashing it took when its served to dine. Its funny when i have a dictionary full of advice for people i love and care about but when its time to take care of me i'm lost for words. Its also funny that i have bucket load of tears to shed but i dont have the guts to open up for counseling. What is my problem? I cant help but to be stepped all over. Its sickening when you put in all you can to make something work but it just falls apart like a sunken ship.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you


Now i know why most people choose to end their life on Christmas day. One day so significant but no one to pass the day with. How very sad