Confessions of an Idllyic Mind

Help ... I'm in pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. PAIN

I have never experienced anything like this before. Mumps? Fine. Measles? Piece of cake. Migraine? Kacang putih. This is the absolute worse of all. Except child birth ofcourse. Which i'm yet to experience. Hopefully when i do experience it I will be heavily sedated.

This couldnt have happened at a worse time. When things r getting more and more competitive at work I have to take a half day MC just to visit the dentist. Why me why me?

I hereby declare that my dream/ambition is to marry a dentist. Then i wouldnt have to worry about my wisdom teeth.

How convenient .. hmmm ... Ouchies ....

Here is a question to all the gentlemen out there? WHERE ART THOU????

I’ve come to discover that there are no/nil/nah-dah gentlemen in Malaysia. Well perhaps I have not seen one or experience the hospitality of one before. I would not have written about this if it weren’t for the @#$%&* guy I met this morning. What happened was, I was waiting for the elevator to arrive in my working building. The lift finally came and it was a full load except for 2 more spaces in it in which my svelte + petite colleague could easily slot in and even though I’m much larger in size, I could still go in. As I was about to step in full of confidence that I would not overload the lift, that @#$%&* guy in the lift decided that I would jeopardize everyone that was in the lift’s lives by overloading the lift with my immense weight, thereby causing the lift to fall and everyone to die tragically in there before their time was up. So he did the one heroic deed that he thought would automatically land him a space beyond the Pearly Gates. He pressed the “Doors Close” button. So the doors nearly squished my head together, which could/would cause a roar of laughter, which would hurt my ego very much, hence triggering a new phobia to arise of doors, hence causing me a fear of stepping out the doors of my house, hence causing me to lose my job, hence causing me to lose my source of income, hence causing my dad to disown me because I’m a loser that could never contribute to the family, hence causing my eligibility of marriage to be virtually non-existent, hence causing me to be alone+homeless+in state of mental depression (takes a deep breath) Therefore in the very end causing me to die a very tragic+lonely+virgin+early death. I was quite shocked. Why would anyone want to close a door at my face. Am I that unattractive? I’m very confident that I’m way better looking than all of the women in the lift (Pardon me, its my ego speaking. Bad ego! Bad!) So when he decided to open the doors again I let out a very loud “ITS OK. YOU CAN CLOSE THE DOORS IF YOU SOOOO WANT TO.”

What a twit. Classless, Uncultured, Unrefined, Uneducated, Egoistical swine of a man. To call him a jackass would be an abomination to all the jackasses in the world.

Sighs .. I don't know this is the how many-th Sighs I've uttered today. (sorry gill, i cant help it) It's the 2nd day in a row that i find myself not being able to swallow my food (other than tit bits). Don't know why i just have the urge to cry all day. This morn calvin called when i was driving to work and there i was trying to beat the jam cause i woke up late with a wardrobe malfunction and a bad hair day, he just had to ask, "so how are things?" and the situation in my head looked like this --> a little man lit the fuse which was connected to a barrel full of gunpowder in my head, went to hide behind a massive rock and watched as the sparks slowly travel to the barrel ... *FIRE IN ZEE HOLE!* he shouted and KABOOM KABLAM! He blew up the dam in me head, causing the floodgates to be blown apart there forth unleashing a fury of unstoppable water, in this case tears. So i sat in my car, cursing other rude drivers wile crying my eyeballs out. There were shocked drivers as well as a very shocked calvin on the other line trying to comfort me. But that little man did his damage. The flooding didn't stop till the office either. Whenever i picked up the phone to call a "potential" client, i started tearing. I don't know if my mental state is slowly deteriorating. I don't know if its the old "girl problem" affecting these mood swings either.

I just don't know anymore. I did have a better latter half of the day though. When i say better i mean i can at least laugh it out for a moment and forget about my troubles for that moment. If you're reading this Leslie, thanks for the guidance + support. I really really appreciated it. Btw, yr impersonation of "eh hem hem" sucked. Hahaha. The role play drama failed to obtain an Oscar/Emmy/Tony. Talking to you really was the highlight of my day (other than my dose of Starbucks). No i'm not polishing your apples for a pay rise. It's what i truly felt.

Alright back to my stormy clouds now. Apparently I've been denied entry to the land of sunshines.


Why me why me .

Struggling for a better tomorrow .

You will never know me because you don't wear my chains . . . . . .

Had a lot to let out but somehow as my fingers are about to hit the keyboard, they're left hanging in mid air. There are just so many stuff squished in my head now i cant let it all out. I'm just so sick and tired of work. Feeling my absolutely crappiest today. I dont get it. I just dont get it. I try. God knows i try so hard. I push. I search. I call. I persuade. I sweet talk. I hide my uneasiness, my crappiness, my i-dont-give-a-shitness whether your company saves on the bloody tax or not, my moodiness, my depressed soul, my faltered wings, my bruised ego .. I hide all this behind a mask of smiles everyone is so used to see every freaking day of the week. There is hostility in the air of calm and muhibbah-ness in the workplace. Did not feel it in the past but i do now. I've learned to know today that when human greed and need for money/recognition can grow to a point to where aquaintances and friends dont matter anymore. The basic human ethics are flung out of the window. Well, this just further highlights the phrase "its a dog eat dog world". You gotta be ahead to BE ahead. You gotta defend yourself. You gotta work hard to beat the rest to the juiciest piece of the steak.

At times like these i really wish i could just leave it all behind.

where are my sunshines?

where is my bowl of cherries?

where is my knight in shining armour?

where is my castle on the hill?

where is my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

where is my rainbow?

where is the icing on my cake?


where are you God when I need you now . . .

Alright i shall expose one of my worse habits to you avid readers of my blog now. I often .. often .. often ... Now b4 a stream of dirty thoughts run through your head, I would like to put a halt to those thoughts and confess that I often read in bed b4 I sleep. Haha. I know its not a big deal but to an ophthalmologist, I'm an absolute nightmare. First of all i have an eye birth defect - aestematigsm - which would require me to wear glasses at all times when reading - I dont. I'm required to sit upright when reading - I lie down. I'm also required to read in good lighting - I dim the lights. So yeah that's my bad habit. Which i dont plan to change unless i go partially blind.

My current b4-sleep read is The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. In this novel, the main character, David and his wife, Norah were expecting. When his wife gave birth, in which he was the emergency gynae, they had no idea that they were having twins (the story was set in the 1960s and 70s). So when he pulled out a perfect baby boy he thought that was it. But he then delivered a baby girl. She was born with down syndromes. Afraid that his wife would not be able to cope with the emotional stress of bringing up a down's baby, he immediately gave the baby to his nurse, Caroline. Caroline was told to bring the baby to an institution right away but after looking at the poor condition of the institution she decides to keep the baby, Phoebe. David then told his wife that their baby girl was a still born. Caroline brought the baby as her own. To know what happened to Phoebe and the rest of the crew, ask me or buy the book.

After reading this book over and over again (another habit of mine), i began to think about David's actions. His want, need, strive for perfection in this case, a perfect family, caused much grieve and strain to his relationship with his wife in the end. What is with the world and it's need for perfection these days? Skinny girls working out in the gym and having lipo, 30 yr olds getting botox and a face lift, etc etc ... Aren't you just glad that you were born anatomically correct? All the other nitty gritty stuff dont really matter. So what if there are a few fine lines or if you have let urself go a bit? There is nothing that a better diet and exercise cant do to improve ur situation. The plastic surgeons would advice you otherwise i'm sure. In my opinion perfection use to mean the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art. Now its a blur of a word. An ambiguous word. A vague word. Someone may think that they are perfect but once they see the latest cover of Cosmo that would all change. The beauty industry is a major kaching kaching industry these days. I would love to have my thighs shrunked and my tummy tucked. But if i'm gonna turn into a Courtney Love, Joan Rivers and Melanie Griffith combo (surgery freaks) then no thank you. I'll live with my elephantitis/thunder/Maradona thighs, and my wobbly jell-o tummy and be grateful to be still alive and attractive (self perception).

Learn to love yourself people ! ! !

Here is my latest pride and joy. My baby baby precious honey my sweets my pumpkin pie my ... and the list of spine tingling, hair raising baby pet names continues. Say hello to the newest addition to my shoe collection family.

Adidas Gazelle Vintage "London"

Oh this is also my very first non-halal pair of shoes. It has the *snort snort squeel squeel* skin lining. So pls refrain from touching my shoes if you dont believe in the slaughtering of piggies.

Happy happy joy joy ~