Confessions of an Idllyic Mind

Canceled my trip to Penang yesterday. Was suppose to spend Sat and Sun with my dah-Ling and some girl frens relaxing in the sun and gorging ourselves silly. Not mentioning the dvd series that i could have bought back. But sighs. Instead canceled it to go through a therapy/couselling session with me friend later and tomorrow. I have been thinking too much. I need to let go but somehow I just can't. Really pray that this would help me loosen up. I've been really really really unhappy. I don't know how to handle stress, i don't know how to handle my own thoughts even. Feeling like I'm drowning . . . Spiraling downwards in a never ending vortex of doom. There is nothing to look forward to, I'm trying to change but somehow i keep getting cornered by my problems. Life right now is really not worth going through. If this is just the tip of the iceberg to what i might face in the future then I really don't know what else is there to live for.

Today was not a pleasant day.

I was misunderstood, humiliated and laughed at today.

Why do i always get the bimbo treatment? It's not my fault that the essential growth nutrients for my brains went to my boobs instead.

Maybe I'm just too over-sensitive.

Maybe I'm not.

Maybe its the truth that will hurt me even more.

Maybe its that time of the month again.

Maybe i'm being cynical.

Maybe i have a saddistic view on life.

Maybe my life now is just full of maybe's and what if's.

Maybe i need a change.

Maybe i want to leave.

Maybe i want to stay and fight.

Maybe it's all in the mind.

Maybe . . . . .

I have been curious. Very curious indeed . . .

No its nothing naughty in nature. Recently we have all witnessed the petty yet taken too seriously news regarding the dude from Muar's defamatory video on YouTube. I went ahead and watched it on YouTube just now. And guess what? I LOVED it! He is absolutely talented. He sounded like one of the ppl from LMF, Nan Quan Mama or Machi. Well that was the musical aspect of it. As for the content of the video, i thought that he was just being truthful. Too many yrs of unfair treatment to the malaysian chinese community probably drove him create this video clip.

Dont get why everyone is making such a big fuss about the truth. Well, if you think that its untrue then why make such a big hoohah over such a small/petty matter? The message sent out by Mr Wong must been true to be able to evoke such uproar from the puak Majority here. The stuff that he said about the local policemen and the people sitting in the leaky government offices is very much true to me.

There are much more serious issues than this to be taken care of. People are dying under the hands of incapable hands of rough+slow nurses+docs in government hospitals. Why arent they putting priority into this matter? The poverty level is still apparent. Food poisoning levels in schools are still on the rise. Spousal abuse is also on the rise. What is the government doing about these issues? Stop cornering this Negarakuku guy and start zooming in on issues that are more important!

Please dont get me wrong. I do love my country. I do love the fact that i can choose between nasi lemak, roti canai or chicken rice for breakfast. However, sometimes the way we do things around here really makes me feel like migrating to Aussie.

Malaysia BOLEH ! !

*whatever~*

Well no one can exactly plan for the future. You can’t even plan the day in fact, as I learned just now. You spend lengthy hours/days/months/years arranging your dominoes, you’ve even taken the trouble to polish each and every domino before meticulously placing them in a straight row each not more than 2 inches apart. And when you think you can finally step back, breathe deeply and admire them from a distance, a steamroller rolls by and not only does your dominoes topple over, it becomes crushed to smithereens.

I remember having to fill in a ridiculous blue form when I was in high school and primary school. Had to fill in what I aspire to be when I grow up. Its funny how my answers differ each time the card is being given out. These are just some of the occupations I’ve written down; artist, nurse, lawyer, interior designer, fashion designer… etc. What am I now? Associate, Treasury Solutions – Fund Management a.k.a Sales Person. Not that there is anything to complain about. I’m being paid. I have the privileges that any employee in any company would have. But it’s just that what I’m doing now is a far cry from what I envisioned myself to be doing. The question that I really detest from interviewers is: - “Where do you see yourself in another 5 years time?” I think that this is the most clichéd question that any interviewer can ask. I have a feeling that they whipped out that question because they ran out of smart questions to ask. Hello! You tell me la what I will be doing in another 5 years time. Isn’t that the employer’s job, to help mould the employee? So I muster up some lame ass answers. “I want to be in a managing position.” I sometimes want to kill myself over this answer. What a vague thing to say. Managing what? Cow r? But thank God the interviewers never bother asking.

So, I have thought up some concrete (?) plans for my future. Things I would like to see come to pass in another maybe 5 to 10 years time.

1) Earn more than what I’m earning now. (DUH)

2) Finish paying for my little MyVi.

3) Actively looking for a place to live/In the process of getting my own pad.

4) Attached and betrothed to a tall guy that absolutely adores me for my insecurities, silly switch, for who I truly am.

5) Traveled to Dubai, Shanghai and Tokyo.

6) Be in a partnership business. Hoping to start a boutique selling urban funk shoes, accessories and apparel. (Any suggestions for a location?)

7) Be in a managing position. (Of people.)

I think that is it for now. Of course there are many more in the list but I think these are the Major ones. Laugh at it all you want but at least I have a plan. If I don’t start planning now I realize that I would be stuck in the same rut everyday for the rest of my life. Get up, get in car, get on the road, get pass the traffic, get into the office, get into the Microsoft Outlook, get appointments, get the calls going, get the deal done, get the follow-ups done, get the money rolling in, get out of office, get into car, get pass after work hour traffic, get into home, get to bed. And the whole vicious cycle starts over and over again whether I like it or not. I’m so so so so sick of this. One fine day when I have sufficient in my bank account, I vow that I would just pack it all up and leave. I don’t know where I’ll be going but I’ll just leave. Sick of living a life of mediocracies. There is so much more to life but I’m bound by contract to stay in this glass elevator. Always taking me up and down, letting me see what the world outside looks like but never ever letting me out.

So one message to all of us ants in the anthill,

Labor until you tire and then labor some more...

Tis' too fair a day for death.

A good man passed on today.
A man that never drank, smoked and womanized.
A man that was faithful to his wife for almost 4 decades.
A man of little words.
A man that hardly showed his temper.
A good man indeed.
This man is my uncle.

He succumbed to an illness that the doctors did not know of.

There were as usual food at his house today. A large gathering of loud relatives acting smart as usual. Trying to conclude what was the cause of his death and what could have been done to prevent it. There were never I's in my family. Always We's. The lost was not only to my aunt, their 4 children and 7 grandchildren, but the lost extends to every member of the family.

Strangely, I did not know how to react to his death when i got the news. Only when i saw him lying there in his coffin, so different from the man i use to call "Ah Chong". He looked frail, thin and pale. Its funny how only when he isnt with me anymore i stared at his face. The only time i ever touched him was when he was lying in the ICU and as I was praying for him. His hands were so soft.

I would never get to tell him how i liked looking at him sometimes when he is enjoying his evening cup of coffee and crackers. I would never get to tell him how soft his hands are.

I broke down thinking of how my aunt would cope staying alone in the house she and my uncle have lived in for more than 4 decades.

Death robbed me of my uncle today but made me gain an urgency to start appreciating the relatives that God has blessed me with now.

Heys . .

Taking a break from feeling depressed. If anyone bothered to notice, there is a new thinghy-ma-jigie i added to spice up my blog. Above my narcissistic picture on your left, there is a small player on top of it. Click the 'play' button to play the current song i'm hooked onto.

Hope you folks like it!

I wrote a seriously evil + nasty blog post on Fri. I think i'm too chicken shit to put it up. It contains massive amounts of profanities, which is unheard of coming from a well mannered and delicate lady such as me (you can launch your projectile vomit now). I was so angry and pissed i just typed furiously sitting alone in my little cubicle. Sometimes i really wonder if it was really worth it giving up on Aust. and moving back here. I realized that i have nothing pleasant to blog about work. In fact I cried more than i have been ever since i started work. Call me a wuss if you want to but nothing .. i tell you nothing can ever prepare me for whatever I have to go through during this period of life. Yeap not even the obscene amount of money my daddy spent sending me to uni for 3 yrs studying things that i can "apply" when i start working. I dont feel like i belong ... What is yours compared to mine? you might say. Well ... I bet what i'm facing now is a molehill/breadcrumb/tip of the iceberg/mole on an ant's back/a grain of sand if compared to what i might be facing in the future. But to me, its a big deal now. So pls dont try to reassure me by saying things like, "things will be much tougher in the future. enjoy what you have now." I dont need these kinda advice. I will physically hurl myself out of a window soon if i hear that quote again. Yes i'm admitting now that i'm not capable of handling stress very well. I'm not adequate for the dog eat dog world. Maybe that's just how I am. I'm trying my very best to change. I'm trying my very best to accommodate to everyone's needs. I tell myself every morning that I can do it! Make more calls! Follow up! Whip those CFO's butts! However after one call or two i deflate . . .

I'm seriously thinking of relocating. I'm too young for this. I should be seeing the world at this age. What am i doing here in an industry that I grew to loathe since I was in primary school?

I have totally betrayed myself . . .

My view on life . . .


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world