Confessions of an Idllyic Mind

No i'm not going to write about some kinky fantasies/habits of mine eventhough judging by the title it may seem so. I have a lot of stuff to get off my chest.

These are one of the many nights that i've felt very burdened. I feel so heavy. Like I have so much upon myself. I'm just so so so so tired. Tired of thinking for other people, tired of comforting other people, tired of trying to hard to please other people, tired from putting smiles on other peoples faces ... I'm not complaining but I'm just so tired from putting others before myself. It may seem selfish for me to say so but that's how i really feel. Been wearing a mask on my face for such a long time i've forgotten how I look like or how I really should be looking like anymore. The only time i find real peace and lighter is when I'm doing my Quiet Time and when I praise and worship in church. Just now Ps Jeff spoke on finding your own talent and not envying others. That is an area i felt hardest to overcome. I;ve been trying to find my hidden talent for so long am beginning to wonder whether i have any at all. I've never been able to succeed in whatever i do. So what is my talent really? I dont know. People tell me that i'm able to make them feel at ease when they're with me and that i make them laugh. So what have i been doing? Have i been putting on a mini circus or clown act for others to laugh at and point at? Am I making myself look like the court jester so that others wont feel so? I'm really confused at this point.

I know my problems aren't major and actually it isnt even worth mentioning but i just need to get it out. Am just so overwhelmed at everything that's happening. My bestest friend ever leaving to another country and i may not see her for yrs to come, having to juggle a job and study at the same time, not knowing what my future is, etc etc etc ..... Maybe i'm just being a whiny-ninny-poo. But i cant help it. It's like the song by Alanis Morrisette - Ironic. "It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife ... It's like meeting the man of your dreams and meeting his beautiful wife .. Isn't it ironic ... " I feel so blessed but at the same time so burdened. I dont know how to explain my current situation. I just need someone that i can lie my head on and let out a loud wail and have him pat my back and say that everything will be alright. Someone to make sure I remember to eat, someone to comfort me when things go wrong, someone to take care of me. That's not too much to ask for isn't it? Maybe it is ... Maybe i feed solely off the happiness of others. I'm parasitic now aren't I.

Lord please give me rest. I'm so tired God, from meeting the expectations of others. Lord let me be myself and yet be accepted by others ... Lord be with me ... Sustain me so that i can have the strength to sustain others ...